October 2012
1 post
Why you should quit your job before your spouse.
l only wish someone had told me about the many reasons why I should have quit my job before my husband, but the truth is I likely would’ve not listened.
I would have been better off if I’d quit my job before I headed to divorce court. I say this not because of the 10’s of dollars of financial gain I would have enjoyed, but because of how much fucking time it takes to end a 15-year relationship....
June 2012
1 post
Morning thoughts of piss and bitch
Just made the bus running out the door, down the stairs and up 14 street all the way wondering,’was taking the time to read the digital toilet article in todays National Post worth it ?’… Yes it was; if I could have a toilet that could email me my weight, blood sugar and hormones my life would be transformed. No longer would I have to ask my self ‘am I bitchy?’...
May 2012
1 post
April 2012
3 posts
March 2012
1 post
February 2012
1 post
6 tags
Get famous-today
I started this blog in July 2011. Like many famous folks, I surround myself with good people. However, one of them pointed out it’s been more than 50 days since the blog project began. I lovingly reminded them that I did not say specifically which 50 days.
50 days to get famous.
I get it, I get it, I get it.
While I may not be famous, I get famous. Highs and lows, lovers and haters,...
January 2012
0 posts
3 tags
2 Days left or is it today?
I started this blog In July and even without my BA ll Plus calculator I know the 50-day mark passed sometime last season. But like most famous folks, I have good people around me who quickly pointed out I didn’t say which 50 days.
It’s important to complete this ’how-to’ for all the nonexistent critics and fans I’ve lost along the way. After all if I can’t WOW...
November 2011
1 post
3 tags
This is what happens when you leave your Blog...
Comment left on my blog…which I have not written in for several weeks.
Anonymous asked:
Not only do I like your blog (haha I found it) but I also am OBSESSED with you secretly. Ok here we go.. I got this idea from a Tumblr spam I got once lol.. I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to crushmatches(dót)com (wtf it wont let me link regular) and make an...
September 2011
2 posts
3 tags
3 day thrill it's all about the vision
It seems the case—based on my familiarity of such a subject—that when famous people are out there minding their own business, getting caught up on their Twitter mentions while waiting in line for their H1N1 flu shot, that they will be approached by someone who knew them when they were “unknown.”
Like you, I have thought from time to time about the elementary school I went to, the kids...
3 tags
Day 4 and someone is knocking at my door.
I got waylaid by last week’s holiday and assorted other menacing things: family, birthdays, farmers’ markets, farmers, and bridles. Sorry, not really.
While all the world is tweeting and putting their videos out there searching for the perfect combo to get to the top of your inbox, it’s worthwhile remembering: just like the plain girl in school it only takes one small fire to make her the...
5 days left to get famous & wondering about the...
I don’t think I am angry enough to write anything good today. Curse me and my happy–go-lucky attitude.
I’m closing in on fame. I have a 3rd meeting with a client this week and I am focused on the important things:
What to wear?
Which beverages to serve?
Whose ass to kiss?
Of course this is figuratively speaking. Ass-kissing is for the closing.
The Opposite=Funny: Saying the opposite of what you...
August 2011
24 posts
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4 tags
6 days to go and HUGE expectations
SKILLS HANDOUT 1: The Joke
A joke is the combination of a set-up line and a punch line.
Set-up lines are statements, questions and facts from your everyday life
A punch line, using one of the skills of comedy, is what you say to make your facts funny, or at least bearable.
Here are some of your skill options…
Exaggeration: To exaggerate is to blow something out of proportion. In comedy when...
4 tags
7 days to go, no not you, you stay please and...
A little fame spreads like jam, I’m in a jam.
There are many different types of fame.
Famous or wealthy?
Inner circle or outie?
It doesn’t matter who you know but who knows you.
Famous to me is only opening my purse to take out my eye patch or put in jewelry.
I suspect with fame the amount of heavy lifting increases and I’m not just referring to cabbage sacks*.
With this in mind I’ve decided...
3 tags
8 days left and the amusement is in the eye of the...
Rescheduling - means never having to say no.
In pursuit of fame there can be many meetings. Some occasionally happen, most get rescheduled. Next thing I know it’s Friday and someone is suggesting we meet at the pub. This is often either a blessing in disguise or the start of a long weekend. I notice the dress code is more relaxed but so are the commitments. I may be alone in this but any...
9 days and I feel a draft or is that the door...
I wish we’d had YouTube when I was a kid. I lit myself on fire once and I would have filmed it. Instead of going viral, the only hits I got were from Grandma.
Fame leads to exposure one way or another. Being underexposed or overexposed can ruin the wannabe stage hog’s chances of making loyal, raving fans.
This reminds me that in this blog I started out lambasting all the...
3 tags
10 is the new 1
Fit and famous. Every year I do a cleanse. There is no dust pan involved. There are beets, beans and bok choy. Anyone who ever says they love cleansing is likely referring to the results and not the part where the detoxification is happening, or more precisely, unhappening.
I’ve ingested in recent months the most delicious cake, cognac and cow. Contained within these foods is stuff the body does...
11 days from now I will sit.
Yesterday I tried something different. I tried to be funny, ironic and creative. I tried to make fun of myself, my ass and my ego. Apparently, my ass is not the great material it once was. But making an ass out of myself is something I will always be able to do, mostly because there is no shortage of material. That, and the gene pool.
I’m not saying I have a huge ass, just a huge impact. I need an...
12 days to sing it out
Learn to sing; the life you save may be your own.
Eventually the famous are expected to sing. Many up-and-comers, like myself, will go through the hoops of fame known as the “dance monkey, dance” rites of passage. This is the time when your good friends and family have stopped being embarrassed by your shenanigans and now start asking you to perform at dinners, birthdays and...
5 tags
13 days marching into summer fame
It’s important to keep on learning as I march into my future fame because I never know when I will have to get a real job.
I went back to school last year. I had to: my wardrobe come back into style. I wrote my final exam last night. Indeed, I have been in summer school and it’s not at all like the previous time I went. Back then it was called summer camp. I think it was called summer camp...
14 days and you are on my mind
In my pursuit to be famous I have learned it’s important to be available but not too available. I am sure I have the chops to deal with the trapping of fame like courting the media, Botox shopping and handling hecklers. But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone run interference for me? Get a PA get a grip.
Last night I was lucky enough to be at the local comedy shop to lead a workshop, Wit vs. 1/2...
4 tags
15 Extreme teamwork
Working with a team this week; a creative type, an artist, a journalist and a wiz kid. It’s like I’m Alice in Wonderland with better acid. Our task, creating a new logo for one business centre. This centre is new and has current net sales - 3 nets. So it is clear the logical best next step is not a customer, a contract or a contact, but a fancy logo.
I have been known for my teamwork skills. ...
3 tags
16 days
Most people would agree it’s important to make a good impression; unless we are talking about those left in the velvet couch after getting up. No one will argue money and time spent on dental hygiene will always pay off. Why, just this morning I thought, “it would be hard to love my staff more if they had straight teeth.”
This week my hygienist had me hold my own suction, foreshadowing...
3 tags
17 soap walk proves draining
Subsisting on nachos and red label beer for the afternoon. I had earlier gone for a walk to pick up some soap. I had no soap. I don’t use much soap myself compared to my peers (small ears). How I had gotten to this point in my life? Where was my backup soap?
On my walk I’d found some, it was in the aisle marked ‘SOAP and FEMALE PAPER.’ Female paper? There were no magazines, no diaries, no paper...
5 tags
18 days left: of course you are a grown up
Being out on the town dragging my age 20-something kids along invariably gets them carded and by default gets me carded. Famous people have to worry about how their actions impact their family. As far as I can tell, the kids are benefitting by being in my dust trail. As far as they can tell, I’m thrilled to have them along stealing my thunder and living large on my dime, friends and...
19 days left to be watered
Catching up on my entries sipping a cool beverage after my mini holiday reminds me of the responsibilities of the soon to be famous. And by this I mean keeping the crowds watered.
If invited to my hut, you will be offered a drink and a seat. A glass of water and a chair. I never said the water would be clean or even the glass for that matter. But I would shove something in your hand and push...
20 days left: Get along?
I’m in small-town Canada. Not for a moment did I think I would be coming back after last year’s performance. I am keeping a low profile and trying to get along in a small, small, very small town. Where everyone knows your underwear because it used to be their underwear.
If I’m going to be one of those famous people who is in fact embraced by both city and town folk I must first...
1 tag
21 Travel Day + Good Hair = free maps
Everyone likes a new hairstyle and I am no exception. My new swishy hair is the talk of my bathroom mirror. It is a well-known fact that when the hair is good you can get away with less bitching.
I once read about a couple who had all their “help” live with them. Accountant, pool boy and nurse. I highly doubt I will want this type of support when I’m famous unless I live...
2 tags
22 Do I make you nervous?
Is it my diction?
Me to bus driver: Hi, does this bus leave pretty quick?
Driver, trying to impress middle age women: About 10 km per hour.
Me: lol … Funny, will we be leaving soon?
Driver: I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know the scheduled departure time?
Driver, annoyed I can talk: I just drive the bus.
Me: Do you charge extra for schedule information?
Driver: I leave in 10...
1 tag
23 2+3 = 5 Who let you in?
I was bragging about having a great fort a few post ago and someone proved me a fool. As soon to be famous folk, must we love all “fans”?
Not only did some rocket-head climb onto my balcony and leave a pile of freshly cut hair (hopefully theirs)—no doubt, because my balcony reminded them of a barber shop with its spinning chair and half-read magazines—I say, not only did the flying...
2 tags
“Blast from the past Gary Mar Minister of Mirth Funny http://bit.ly/o4LgNJ”
– ZEDS Communication Consulting
24 Days left; Two dozen
This long weekend was a relief.
I removed a wedge from my wagon wheel.
It’s only now I am wondering
Who put it there?
I have a sneaking suspicion it was me.
After all
no one else can get that close to my ass. Wagon. Ass wagon.
Feeling good about my decision to eat and drink as if I exercise every week.
1 tag
“Facebook knows my web footprint and my unconscious needs. I know this because I...”
– @evapea
25 half way - get in
It is almost like they want me to succeed.
I found a note under my pillow this morning, “you’re likely to eat something brown today.” Likely, I put the note there.
Later that morning, my BF offered me toast with peanut butter. Cripes, I never saw that coming.
I am testing to what degree I can make “unconscious connections.” My plan is to tap into my...
July 2011
28 posts
26 Castle of Fortification
I’ve been building a fortress. It’s important in my training to prepare for tough times. I am not yet famous, but have over the years had my share of Knights run amuck.
The walls are concrete and my window sills are thirty feet above the flood plain. My shoes won’t be ruined and I will only have stalkers who are highly skilled canoeists.
Note: stalkers is shown as misspelled...
5 tags
27 talking to the trees
Up late last night, it must have been 10 when I hit the sheets. Hey, they started it.
I’ve never been shy to share my grasping at straws. Long shots like astrology, numerology and marriage. Too excited to sleep, I thought I’d go to the occult for direction on my quest for fame.
Tarot cards returned the answer to: “Tell me what will be so with my 50 days to get famous...
3 tags
28 days-In recovery from bombing-Kaboom
I had a fantastic night; fantastic means today I get to practice recovering from bombing. I learned it’s important to make eye contact. When I’m famous I will make as much eye contact as I can with my audience.
The least you need to know is that I performed a set of stand-up with “Kaboom” while wearing prescription sunglasses*, with an Emcee whose opener included 5...
5 tags
29 Days left: Do I still got it, Baby?
At some point validation-seeking starts to resemble a six-year-old twirling in the kitchen for the attention of the plumber. With all the blogging, tweeting and face prowling going on, it’s hard for me to know who to LIKE, comment on or retweet.
I’ve been told social media is about having conversations with people, usually with people I’ve never met. It’s similar to...
30 days making inroads
I might have had an experience of what fame would be like. Today I was every-man(women).
On waking, I cooked breakfast for BF and I. I’m not sure if a handful of lilacs tossed in a cup of natural goat yogurt counts as a hungry man’s breakfast but he was raring to get out of here by the time I brought out the steeped wheat berries.
A downpour of rain this morning had me cast as a...
2 tags
31 days: Tattoo or not?
I have no body art save the scar on my left side from lighting myself on fire in the ’70s. It was a magic trick, abracadabra. It did not work out.
Over the years ink came and went in my life. Sometimes I got dinner.
I chose to commit once and for all to getting some real ink during our last road trip. I figured the indulgence might distract me from the mutiny that was rising in the ranks....
1 tag
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32 days to go
It can be completely overwhelming for celebrities and famous people to navigate the details of ordinary life. I once worked for someone who was a bit of famous. He owned a beautiful venue and one of our staff asked to use it for a baby shower. He said sure and then turned to me and said, “who is going to clean up after the shower?” The shocked look on his face when I said, “they will,”...
3 tags
33 days starting to get groovy
I am sure that when famous I will have a chance to party with other famous people but until then I will practice partying with notable unknowns or my BF. When I say party I mean have sex. Last night was one delightful omelet-making session and the best thing was no one had to go home. That’s unlike getting laid by a famous person who often have to go afterward, or fly somewhere or call their...
2 tags
34 I wish for several more Fridays with laundry
I haven’t done laundry on a Friday since the 90s. Many famous people really have little need to learn modern cleaning equipment operation. I can only hope that I will be one of the lucky famous people telling stories in the far away future of when I did laundry; it will make a great comic bit.
Picture this, timed perfectly, doing laundry ‘till 10:00 pm on a Friday night, add a...
35 There may be a higher power
Remember, the improbable can sometimes happen. That’s what my tact coach used to tell me. More to the point; my B-man called me back and booked a meeting. Sweet snapping turtles! As a famous person in training, I hear it’s important that I relax after minor events.
Sooooo… I’ll be sporting a fancy hat, all day, inside, just for fun. This means fancy hat-wearing while doing...
5 tags
Day 37, 36 whatever 'used to be'
Here it is in writing. When I am famous I will call you back. Well, me or one of my people.
I’ve been waiting for a dude to call me back about a big deal, it involves corn chips and some salve so you understand why I’m so pinned on the call.
Since last Thursday, I have been in an Al-anon group so I could get past the emo- reverb leftover from the old days of “Waiting for him to...
38 days to get me some love
I am always thankful when I learn I have a new follower on Twitter. I am not always the most diplomatic leader of followers. Perhaps I could improve my response-ibility that comes with getting a new followers. I never know if I should send a friendly “eh,” a cheerful “thanks for following” or a “let’s tweet up.” In preparation for fame I am going to start...
3 tags
39 my European is missing
It only by the grace of God I am able to complete this post. God and, you, the reader. It is your inspired wordless comments and ringless calls that keep me on my 50-day quest.
I learned today that we will be losing our intern a fortnight earlier than expected. This is mostly due to the 72 hours road trip we took her on. She thought it was a camp out for the new Potter flick. Her naiveté aside...
