Read from the beginning

If you are stuck in line or a bus depot and are looking for a few laughs start reading this blog from the beginning start here 

Why you should quit your job before your spouse.

l only wish someone had told me about the many reasons why I should have quit my job before my husband, but the truth is I likely would’ve not listened.
I would have been better off if I’d quit my job before I headed to divorce court. I say this not because of the 10’s of dollars of financial gain I would have enjoyed, but because of how much fucking time it takes to end a 15-year relationship. It’s time-consuming, like attempting to fold a map back into its perfect rectangle over and over and over again then settling for the messy crumpled mess you just end up shoving into the glovebox if you were lucky enough to get one of the cars.

Get famous-today

I started this blog in July 2011. Like many famous folks, I surround myself with good people. However, one of them pointed out it’s been more than 50 days since the blog project began. I lovingly reminded them that I did not say specifically which 50 days.

50 days to get famous.

I get it, I get it, I get it.

While I may not be famous, I get famous. Highs and lows, lovers and haters, raving fans and smarmy critics. In other words, what I call Tuesday.

Persistance is an 11-letter word, which like my skill set, is hard to define without demonstration. 

Below is the reply from a producer to whom I submitted a reality series proposal for the Wits of the Wit & Writing series we created based on the work of the CHEERS project.

As I wrap up this blog project, I resist listing all the stuff that we created while I waited to hear back on this proposal (here is a link to the first entry in this blog, where I first mentioned this unlikely opportunity) and instead I will get on with all the ways I can sign my 8”x10” photos.

~EvaPea

Email received Wednesday January 24, 2012

Hi Eva,

Hope you’re well. 

I have been trying to envision where Wits could fit into a television format and wondering if it would make 13 half hour episodes, which is the normal minimum for television.

Wits definitely has appeal, but I after much reflection, I don’t see it as an ongoing series.

However, I’m doing development on a series about Laughter, and I’m wondering if you would be interested in having you and Wits be the subjects, potentially, of an episode if it comes to fruition?

All best,

E.

2 Days left or is it today?

I started this blog In July and even without my BA ll Plus calculator I know the 50-day mark passed sometime last season. But like most famous folks, I have good people around me who quickly pointed out I didn’t say which 50 days.

It’s important to complete this ’how-to’ for all the nonexistent critics and fans I’ve lost along the way. After all if I can’t WOW the bored and confused, what hope to I have to …. wow myself?

Like the famous, I have done the impossible and I have done the stupid; leveraging my skills, abilities and network to earn credentials, free drinks and enough money to cover expenses only to turn around and give them away to those who are important to themselves.

Since July:

  1. I completed my BA diploma. My major is financial services, so after reviewing my student debt I can confidently say I am my own first client, but I don’t think I can afford my rates. I divided my time between the many egos compromising my studies for someone else’s dream. I lost my 4.0 GPA and gained 12 pounds.
  2. I tried to go national. Want to see my scar? It’s in the shape of VISA. On the bright side, the credit card balance transfer means I can pay off this waste of money for only 3.99%pa and my hopes to afford a tummy tuck are still alive.
  3. I headed up fulfilling a contract whose highlights include:
  • increasing Wit & Writing membership by 250% so now we have 80 witty mouths to feed.
    • Putting 12 women on stage in style. 
    • Watching a potty-mouth, onstage Wit offend our client in the audience—delightful!
    • These wits range from comedy virgins, to comedy whores, to stage sows— both delightful and disgusting. I can write this with no fear because, out of respect for me, none of them read this blog.
    • And finally, with the $400.00 we made after expenses, taking the ZEDS crew on a strategic planning year end wrap up in the mountains. I stretched myself to enjoy doing nothing. Literally: I was bedridden after performing lunges between strategy sessions. On the bright side, my family likes me better when I can’t move…my lips.

Next post I wrap up this doomsday blog.

This is what happens when you leave your Blog alone for too long

Comment left on my blog…which I have not written in for several weeks. 

Anonymous asked: 

Not only do I like your blog (haha I found it) but I also am OBSESSED with you secretly. Ok here we go.. I got this idea from a Tumblr spam I got once lol.. I think you like me too and you were always too shy to admit it :3 go to crushmatches(dót)com (wtf it wont let me link regular) and make an account there. Then look up the profile ‘gottagetme19’ (me obviously) I left body pictures.. if you can guess who I am hit me up and we’ll hang soon. You need a C C but its free

—-end of Anonymous 

Clearly I must finish this blog, get famous and get some security. Thank you anonymous bot/person for bringing me back on track.

3 day thrill it’s all about the vision

It seems the case—based on my familiarity of such a subject—that when famous people are out there minding their own business, getting caught up on their Twitter mentions while waiting in line for their H1N1 flu shot, that they will be approached by someone who knew them when they were “unknown.”

Like you, I have thought from time to time about the elementary school I went to, the kids I grew up with and the teachers who witnessed me picking my nose.

Recently I received a Facebook message from “Jimmy.” It said, “from Millen street?” On Millen street we talked in three- and four-word sentences, because we were young, simple and didn’t own a dictionary. From Jimmy, I learned our old grade school peers set up a Facebook page to share memories, photos and divorce stories.

I joined and was instantly aware of my limitations as a kid. First I was very short since no one could look up my dress without lying on the ground. I wore the same blue cat-eye glasses (which I was asked to remove for school pictures) from Grade 3 to Grade 6. I looked dozily in the direction of the camera and tried not to smile too much since I was always being told to keep it shut. I remembered having secret crushes; they won’t return my Facebook friend requests. I remember the kid that always impersonated Ed McMahon and the boy who pulled his pants down in art class, right after eating his #2 pencil. From this gallop down memory lane, I learned I was already famously known for my ability to bring others out of their shell. Or their pants, as it were. I got my new glasses in Grade 7 and left them on.

Day 4 and someone is knocking at my door.

 I got waylaid by last week’s holiday and assorted other menacing things: family, birthdays, farmers’ markets, farmers, and bridles. Sorry, not really.

While all the world is tweeting and putting their videos out there searching for the perfect combo to get to the top of your inbox, it’s worthwhile remembering: just like the plain girl in school it only takes one small fire to make her the most popular kid in class.

One perfect client. We pitched last Wednesday and then Thursday I got the call: yes, they are going to go with us. After I got up off the floor, I turned to my partner and said, “I think we might have to do something.”

I don’t know about you, but the optimism that comes with a hopeful new client is enough to make me pinch their cheeks and tousle their hair.

New relationships are pure potential and just like any partnership it’s important to manage expectations. “Under-promise and over-deliver” is not just for the wise suitor.

Meeting with the client yesterday I brought along our “social media expert,” like a wizard she took notes, spouted stats on Twitter vs Facebook, flashed some of our YouTube channel videos and even politely and kindly busted their previous Facebook administrator for not posting since last April. Dazzle, dazzle, dazzle. Oops.

5 days left to get famous & wondering about the opposite

I don’t think I am angry enough to write anything good today. Curse me and my happy–go-lucky attitude.

I’m closing in on fame. I have a 3rd meeting with a client this week and I am focused on the important things:

What to wear?

Which beverages to serve?

Whose ass to kiss?

Of course this is figuratively speaking. Ass-kissing is for the closing.

The Opposite=Funny: Saying the opposite of what you feel or the opposite of the common and expected view is funny, especially when you are talking to a judge. When using this skill you get more comedy for less effort. What is the benefit of getting sunburned, the joy of diarrhea, or the fun in a parking ticket?

Last night I presented The Opposite = Funny as a comic writing skill for the Wit and Writing  group I organize and sponsor.

Practical  application of these skills is a must.

Demo:

Truth: I am so bored with people not calling me back.

Opposite: I am so excited when people don’t call me back

Truth: I feel like they are stealing from me.

Opposite: It’s great to get rid of my baggage

Truth: It reminds me of my dating life.

Opposite:The part of my single life that happened when I was married.

Truth: If you don’t want to return my call, be a man and block me.

Opposite: Don’t you have a wife that can return your calls?

My business partner is MIA again; possibly in rehab having his blackberry removed from his genius. This may be why he has not returned text message, voicemail or fax attempts. Maybe he’s on to me and is begging “U-Register” to dissolve our company.

I always leave room in my judgments knowing I could be wrong. I have never been wrong.

People are complicated and no response is not the same as the FU it once was. It is the same as saying, “I’m too fracking busy, bored or bushed to call you back.”

He won’t be at the meeting tomorrow. We’d Skype, but on the whole, it’s not a good idea. 

I left him one more voice message while writing this blog just to be fair; ask anyone who knows me and they will say I’m the fairest in the land or they will say, “I’ve no idea who you are talking about.”

Encouraged by family AKA ruined by Photoshop; Thanks @tumblweed

Encouraged by family AKA ruined by Photoshop; Thanks @tumblweed

6 days to go and HUGE expectations

SKILLS HANDOUT 1: The Joke 

A joke is the combination of a set-up line and a punch line.

  • Set-up lines are statements, questions and facts from your everyday life
  • A punch line, using one of the skills of comedy, is what you say to make your facts funny, or at least bearable.

Here are some of your skill options…

Exaggeration: To exaggerate is to blow something out of proportion. In comedy when using exaggeration, go BIG. The statement wasn’t just dumb, it was world class dumb; he wasn’t slow, he was glacial; or her purse wasn’t big, it was a tiny trailer with a strap.

The above is an example of what we teach in our classes. They say you are what you teach. Or is it, teach what you love and the money will follow? Or could it be, those who can’t, teach? I have a mind like a sieve, it keeps all the large chunks. 

The role exaggeration plays in my life is earth-shattering. So in my preparation for fame this is one area I need little mentoring in. I believe everyone while at the same time trusting no one. This can explain my dating history, my work history, and my astro history.  

Today I saw my ‘guidance counselor.’  She was excellent at bringing things to a point. Today I learned, “Better you than me” is NOT a compliment. And while all the world is a stage some stages are better suited to hangings than others.

I’m learning* to exaggerate my complaints to the extreme so that my audience knows I am joking, but also knows I am serious.

E.g.

  1. I cut my finger slicing meatballs. I need surgery. Quick, get my surgery kit.
  2. I’m so glad I have my BA diploma; it will make the most expensive paper cuts.
  3. My kids are brilliant. I’m sure one day they will figure out I’m not their mom.
  4. If I learn to exaggerate with glee it may completely wipe out my complaining.

  My keyboard back lighting is so dim I can barely…www.ZEDScc.com 

*My BF** is a gigantic exaggerator so I’ve learned to divide by two when he tell his hilarious tales of political truth or reports on the troubles of the Irish in 1017.  The best thing about his amplifications is that he is a method exaggerator; yes, I did just say that. I learn a lot from him. I hope to one day eat his brain and learn more.

** He is also super cute and amazingly flexible for an octogenarian.

222 days.The same number of days it took a producer to get back to me on a pitch

Here is what happened in the meantime aka Fifty Days to GET famous.

I was offered a healthy sum of money for my humour company. The buyer wanted to pay with a promise and some Vietnamese subs; I held out for cash and a new scooter.

Eventually we settled on terms and I waited for the paperwork. They have been giving me a con job since last fall and to tell you the truth I'm getting chapped.

In an effort to end the longest courtship of my life, I plan to get famous and sell my company to someone else and buy that scooter myself.

This is my account of efforts, results and witnesses -While I wait, teach stand-up comedy via -Wit and Writing for Women, led a journalism Intern from Mount Royal University as I complete full time studies earning a BA Diploma, run the business and master the art of bringing tic-tacs to pot lucks.

twitter.com/EvaPea

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